RainbowKid

Forever Changed

I heard the footsteps coming

I knew this would be another long night

Something inside me screamed

The words he said were ruthless and cruel

Each time he hit me I sat there an obeyed every rule

I sat there blank faces and scared

Every swing felt worse and worse

All I wanted was to be dead

He got close and whispered

“Little bitch,I wish you weren’t alive”

All I thought was”I wish I wouldn’t survive”

How cruel can a father be to his own daughter..?

He pinned me to the ground

Covered my mouth

Struggling

His hands were cold and I cringed at first touch

I looked at the clock wanting him to be done

Sharp pain

Why isn’t time passing by?

He pushed harder and harder

Excruciating pain was all I felt

Then his belt unbuckling…

This is stuck in my mind

Burned in my mind

He did the worst thing possible

Took away my life…

That One Simple Poke

Vile,revolting hands

That touched me

Something as small as a shoulder-tap

Felt as icky as if the grubby hands

Had touched where a swimsuit should cover

Harsh,degrading words

That cut as deep as any razor I’d used

To try and get ride of the feeling

The dirty,worthless feeling

Disgusting,glittering eyed

That greedily tried to eat me up

While pinning me down

I felt naked while fully clothed

Horrible,ugly face

That I had to see every night

Scarred me every day

I’ll never forget

These haunting,creeping memories

Have suddenly begun to crawl out of the grass

Where I’d burried them years ago

I thought the past was gone

But I guess I was wrong…

Hurt,Pain And Anger

I hurt because of you

The pain I felt when you hurt me

The anger that followed what you did

I coud never understand why you did that to me

I was just 3

Just beginning life…

And you took it from me

How is this fair to me?

I hurt everyday because you molested me

The pain of knowing you killed the little girl I was

And the woman I was meant to grow up and be

The anger will never leave me now that it’s instilled into my everyday life

I many never be the same because of you

What sort of sick attractions could one grown man

Have for a 3 year old little girl

I can never forget what you’ve done to me…

And to think I could never forgive you for what you’ve done to me

And put me and my family through…

A Life Change..

There was a chill in the wind that night

One like no other

The darkness made it hard for sight

But I knew it was is brother

The strength of his grip

The frame of his stature

As he grabbed my hips

Before I knew it I was captured

My throat went dry

I couldn’t scream

I tried and tried

But the harder it seemed

Next thing I knew

A familiar place

Unsure of what to do

Clothes were disappearing at a slow pace

My face turned white

I couldn’t shift

Frozen in fright

Thinking did I deserve this?

Down my cheek

The first tear rolls

As I proceed,

my mouth he holds

“Our little secret”

He whispered in my ear

“You better keep it!”

He became my only fear

Blood droplets depart

Fast pounding heart

He took my virginity

Without permission

Without consent

The one abduction

He would not repent

I thank him now

More than ever before

He taught me how

It felt to be torn

When I was only 6.Years.Old…

Imprisoned

Cold icy wind blows over my gray and pale skin,

Demons finally corrade the sense of life.

They make me weak,

Anorexia is my creed,

My whole and restrained existence is one great painful trim.

I sit down.The meadow saffron’s are there,like every year.

Why couldn’t I fade away?

Lousely I’ve nothing to do,without waiting for the depressing syndrome.

It will come.I know,cause Anorexia is a unity with my own,

Anorexia is stronger than the strongest faith.

There’s nthing which lets me smile or cry,

Only restrainment,leafless trees,Anorexia and my wish to die,

Oh I need to love you so!

Anorexia,my hopeless hope,you cannot go.

Nobody is able to give me hope,

Without Anorexia,even when my price is high,

It’s much cheaper than the price I have to pay when I die.

Anorexia you suck me strikingly from my mind,

You’re going to make me emotionally blind.

In a nightly n’ emotionally dead atmosphere I see all,

This hopeless life,my life,clearly sober,

Anorexia,my incurable love,you won’t go over.

Paintbrush

I keep my paintbrush with me,

Whereve I may go,

In case I need to cover up,

So the real me doesn’t show.

I’m so afraid to show me to you,

Afraid of what you’ll do,

That you might laugh or say mean things.

I’m afraid I might lose you.

I’d like to remove all of my paint coats,

To show you the real,true me,

But I want you to try and understand,

I need you to accept what you see.

Now my coats are all stipped off,

I feel naked,bare and cold,

And if you still love me with all that you see,

You’re my friend pure as gold.

I need to keep my paintbrush with me,

And hold it in my hand.

I want to keep it handy,

In case someboy doesn’t understand.

So please protect me,my dear friend,

And thanks for loving me true.

But I need to keep my paintbrush with me,

Until I love me too….

Darker

What brings a person to this state?

The tired and weary eyes

that long to see the reflection of a different person,

while peering at the reflection in a pool.

The boney body,

tearing away at its own flesh.

Skipping meals,

and vomitting up what I just consumed,

tired and lonely while the days pass by,

darker and darker as they become.

Till one day the body cannot go on,

and as I slip away hold me tight,

wanting someone to tell me how beautiful I am in your eyes

Feeling the rough skin go cold,

and I know it’s too late,

and the spirit has failed the body,

and the person could no longer live in the dark world,

where people are judged by skinny versus fat,

but that the person is in a better place.

What brings a person to this state?

Mind Of An Anorexic

Things aren’t the way they were before,

I don’t even recognize myself anymore.

The mirror lies,

You can see the pain and suffering deep in my eyes,

The hunger pain hurts,

But starvtion works.

Surviving on 300 calories a day,

People tell me that my body is wasting away,

I’m trying to be the thinnest one of all.

I don’t want to die,

But my body feels SO DRY.

I don’t know how I manage to stay on my feet.

Stupid calorie counter going off in my head,

And when I just don’t want to deal with it,I go directly to bed.

Then I start to wonder…Is it worth it?

Is trying to be the thinnest worth all of this?

The pain?The suffering?

Somebody please help me.

I’m trying to escape,

And it feels like I’m constantly being raped.

I’m and innocent victim…What did I do to deserve this?

Reblog if you self harm, have an ED, are depressed, etc. I want to follow you.

(: :/

(Source: disastr0, via suicidal-lullabies)